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Positive Parenting: Building Character in Young People |
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| Author: | Philip St. Romaine | |||
| Publication Date: | 7/98 | |||
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Catalog No: |
221 | |||
Establish consequences for breaking rules. "Rules were made to be broken," goes an old saying, and they get broken at home as often as anywhere else--even those rules that rest on strong agreement. When this happens, kids must pay consequences, or else they learn that your rules mean nothing.There are three types of consequences, only two of which help to build character. See if you can pick them out.
- Natural Consequences. Allowing events to simply run their course. Example: getting cold on a winter day when you forgot to wear a coat.
- Logical Consequences. Forfeiting a privilege until responsibilities are met. Example: allowing a young person to go out only after chores are done, and denying this privilege (not a right) until chores are done.
- Arbitrary Consequences. Relying on inflicting pain and fear and often unrelated to any established rule. Example: spanking a cranky kid who doesn't know what to do about his or her bad mood.
As you probably already guessed, only natural and logical consequences really teach lessons-or, at least, positive lessons worth learning and which translate into character.
Natural consequences are the best teachers of discipline, and we should let our kids experience them when to do so will not endanger their health or inconvenience others.
No parent wants a toddler to learn that crossing a street alone is dangerous by allowing a car to teach the lesson. Nor do we want our teenagers to learn the hazards of drug use by allowing them to get strung out on crystal meth. But we should let them take as many lumps and bruises from life as possible; they'll learn from these.
The principle behind logical consequences is that privileges must be earned and maintained through responsible action. This is, after all, the way most of the world works most of the time.
A toddler can understand that she can't play with a second toy until the first has been picked up, or that she can't come out of your home "whine room" until the whining stops and she is ready to relate without being cranky. Similarly, teenagers can respect the fact that they're going to get grounded if they stay out past curfew. If possible, try to link consequences to privileges to maximize the lessons that kids can learn.
If you and your kids can agree on what consequences will be experienced when rules are broken, your kids then have a choice: Keep the rules or experience the consequences.
You are thus removed from the role of the "heavy;" and instead become the person who sees to it that their decisions are honored. Then kids will be less likely to blame parents for their poor choices. Then, too, will they learn to become more responsible for their own behavior.
Be consistent. Everything we've talked about thus far takes time, effort, and lots of involvement with our kids. still, there's a payoff: If we're consistent in our affirmation and discipline, our kids won't be as defiant and hard to get along with.On the other hand, if we're not consistent in clarifying rules or in allowing kids to experience the consequences of their choices, they'll almost certainly be worse off for it and so will we.
Like trees that go unpruned, children that grow up without consistency often grow out of control, dissipating themselves and bearing little fruit. They need (and actually want) our consistency and guidance so they might experience a strong, stable point of reference for growth.
Consistency is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids, provided it doesn't turn into rigidity.
Continue with Chapter 4: Love in Action
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