For most parents, drinking and
drugs don't even seem real until their kids enter junior-high
or middle school. And for the most part, they aren't.
But as kids move away from the
familiarity of grade school into the more anonymous, competitive
world of middle school -- and undergo the physical-emotional
changes of puberty -- risk factors increase, and new needs should
be considered.
Respect your child's privacy.
At this stage, kids want
more privacy and begin to find adult intrusion irritating. Nothing
new here, except many parents react to this change in their children
by feeling rejected -- and becoming more determined to maintain
control.
The problem? If you don't handle
your child's legitimate needs for privacy and psychological space,
you risk increasing resistance at exactly the point where mutual
respect and honest communication are most crucial.
Make rights equal to responsibilities.
Older kids are more mobile
-- they generally need less supervision and range further from
home in non-school activities. To the extent that they can handle
more responsibility, it's okay to give them more freedom. Negotiate
with your child. Make increased privileges dependent upon increased
compliance with family rules.
Don't take a child's behavior
personally. "Middle-aged"
kids are more likely to be critical, resentful of control, temperamental,
and manipulative. Remember that they're not doing anything to
you. They're simply responding, as best they can, to the physical,
emotional, and social changes they're experiencing. Your kids
are simply doing what they're meant to do at this age.
While your child is going through
the personal changes that come with the transition into early
adolescence, your role as parent changes, too. Your kids still
need support, guidance, and discipline. Now more than ever you
must provide those things with firmness, clarity, good humor,
and a touch of impersonality.
If you feel rejected, attacked,
or out-of-control, realize that's your problem, not your child's.
You don't have to like or even accept their behavior toward you,
but your feelings are your responsibility.
This is also a time when you
begin to glimpse the end of your career as a full-time parent.
A new identity crisis may emerge -- yours, this time, not theirs.
Questions may stir: Do you need to develop sources of achievement,
companionship, or self-esteem separate from your kids? Do you
need to work on your marriage? On your social life?
We're not suggesting that you
start ignoring your kids at this crucial time in their lives.
We're just pointing out that you're part of their family, too,
and your own positive feelings need to be independent of their
struggles to grow up.
