Parents who "graduate"
from their child's childhood may still worry about drug use,
even though their child is no longer a minor and may not even
be living at home. Their concerns usually center on the moral
and physical harm that drugs can cause, and they may see any
use as evidence that their kids are "victims" and unable
to help themselves.
It's hard for any of us to give
up the fantasy that we can "help" others change --
especially when they're our kids. The fact is that it's almost
impossible to get anyone to do anything they don't want to do,
unless you have leverage over them. And today, most parents of
adult children have precious little of that.
That's why the best way of responding
to occasional drug use by an adult child may be not to respond
at all. And the most helpful attitude can be one that says, in
a firm and friendly way: "You have to live with the consequences
of your choices. I love you, but I won't allow your behavior
to control my life."
Of course, this advice doesn't
apply to situations where adult children are seriously addicted
or behaviorally impaired -- and especially if their own children
are being neglected. That's another matter altogether, and may
actually require intervention. Consult a professional to clarify
your options if such a situation ever applies to you.
No matter how much some young
adults seem to resent parental control, grown-up (or nearly grown-up)
kids may still expect you to bail them out if they get into trouble.
At the very least they probably won't refuse help if it's offered.
They might hear a statement like
the one we just described as a withdrawal of love -- even a betrayal,
if it comes at a time when they're facing serious difficulties.
They might respond by getting angry and by trying harder to get
support from the family.
Many parents find it hard to
keep from giving in. They feel guilty about abandoning a child
in trouble, or don't want their children to be angry. Their definition
of "family" may include the notion that family members
stick by each other no matter what.
Parents in this situation can
use practical advice and emotional support. Groups such as ToughLove,
Al-Anon, and Families Anonymous can provide non-coercive, non-judgmental
support for those who need to rethink their relationship with
substance abusers in the family.
