Once you see that kids get involved
with chemicals for understandable (if not altogether wise) reasons,
you're on your way to helping your kids find acceptable and healthy
alternatives to drugs and alcohol.
Because contrary to what you might think (if you base your thoughts
on the blather and noise that so often flows out of your TV),
kids don't flirt with drinking and drugs to tick us off personally.
They do it to meet their own needs -- in the best way they know
how.
That's our goal: To remind you to teach them better ways of knowing
how.
To start, let's look again at some of the common reasons kids
use chemicals, and see what alternatives best plug into those
needs.
Curiosity
Like it or not, you don't want
to squelch curiosity in your kids. A better option is to develop
means of satisfying natural curiosity in the home.
One way of harnessing curiosity is to make a habit of discussing
information on a variety of topics -- including drugs and alcohol.
This may seem of questionable value to you. Some parents don't
really feel comfortable talking with their kids about such "taboo"
topics as sex, drugs, or alternative lifestyles.
Other parents are afraid they'll "give them ideas"
or encourage their kids to experiment in ways that are contrary
to their values. Some parents simply wish that subjects that
expose their own embarrassment or awkwardness or ignorance would
just go away.
To these parents we say: Get comfortable. Get real. And get busy.
Although parental fear and awkwardness is understandable, it's
not justified. Remember: Young people are more likely to be drawn
to (and even fascinated by) activities that have the allure of the
unmentionable. And kids are more vulnerable if they're uninformed.
Gathering and discussing information freely can be a valued activity
that lets kids satisfy some of their curiosity without actually
experimenting with anything. More importantly, it gives them
access to you, which kids value most of all. And it lets you
know how they think and feel, and lets them know how you do,
too.
Feeling
included socially
Wanting to be liked and accepted
is a huge need for all of us. You wouldn't want your child to
ignore what others think. In fact, we've all urged our kids to
consider the opinions and feelings of others since they could
toddle.
That's a big part of how they
learn acceptable behavior.
It's natural for kids to care
what their friends think, too. It's part of their evolving sense
of social balance and mastery. They want to learn what's appropriate
in social situations. Sometimes, that means doing what everyone
else is doing.
At the same time, we need to
help them develop their own critical judgment skills and be free
to act differently when that's in their best interests.
It may be hard for you to let
your kids exercise their own judgment at home, or to encourage
them to do it elsewhere. But if they don't have your support
in being different from you or other adults at least some of
the time, how will they ever be different from their peers?
Obviously, there are still times
when you should insist on certain behaviors, just because they're
expected in a given situation.
But whenever possible, encourage
your children to be aware of their own best interests, and act
on them -- at least, when there isn't a compelling reason to
do otherwise. You won't necessarily like all their choices. The
point is to teach them (and yourself) that they do have a reasonable
amount of autonomy in making choices. If drug use is a potential
issue, make sure they understand that one of the reasons for
not choosing to use drugs or alcohol is that chemicals can limit
a person's ability to make choices for themselves, socially and
otherwise.
In addition, you can help your
child feel at ease socially without chemicals by being socially
at ease yourself.
Include your kids in the family's
social life as much as possible. Help them to feel welcome, and
to see themselves as basically okay without having to "perform"
in some way or to conform beyond what's truly necessary. Talk
with them informally about ways of handling social and school-related
problems. Knowing what's appropriate builds social confidence.
Your job is to help your kids build theirs.
Dealing
with strong feelings
We all get tangled up in powerful
feelings at times, and kids usually more so than adults. It's
not unusual for teenagers to feel embarrassed, out of control,
or tortured by their feelings. And to make things even tougher,
teens live with the added pressure, from their peers, of needing
to be "cool" and, from us, of needing to show restraint
and self-control.
How can you help your kids through
trying times? Start by teaching them that feelings -- even strong
ones -- aren't bad. What's important is how we express our feelings
and what we do about them. There aren't any rules for what we
"should" or "shouldn't" feel in a given situation.
We feel what we feel.
Families and friends can help
by simply acknowledging each other's feelings without criticism,
and without blame. We don't do our kids a favor when we try to
take their feelings away from them under the guise of "making
them feel better." Feeling better is the business of the
person having the feelings.
Strong or unpleasant feelings
won't kill us. They're part of being human. Make sure your kids
realize that feelings are only temporary, but the choices they
make because of them can limit their options for a lifetime.
Accept your child's anger, envy,
fear, dependence, independence, sexual feelings and curiosity
as natural. Encourage responsible expression of those feelings
-- without blame or guilt or unnecessary anger. If you do, you'll
be in a better position to help them channel their feelings and
guide their behavior without damaging their self-esteem or their
relationships with friends and family.
Being
grown up, establishing a separate identity
The major developmental task
of the teen years is to develop a sense of being an authentic
and complete person, one who can support himself or herself emotionally
and economically, without having to rely on parents.
It can be a difficult time for
parents and child. Each has mixed feelings about the coming departure
of the young person from the family circle, or at least from
the home. Often, rebellion marks a teen's struggle to balance
the need to feel and act independently with the need for continued
parental support.
Drugs and alcohol use can symbolize
this struggle. Drinking or smoking pot with friends can seem
both an act of independence from parents and of intimacy with
peers. And when a young person feels overwhelmed by the real
or imagined demands of independence, drugs can temporarily erase
those fears.
You can help make chemicals seem
a less attractive means of asserting independence. One way is
by giving your kids opportunities to exercise their independence
and judgment.
If your children are approaching
their teen years, give them more responsibility -- whether for
choosing their clothes, choosing their friends, or for getting
along with other family members and friends. When you make a
rule, or even a comment, that limits a child's area of independence,
make sure that it's really necessary and useful.
Increased independence also means
increased responsibility. Don't shield your children from the
consequences of their choices. Help them find solutions to problems
they've created without telling them what to do or saying "I
told you so!" Admit, in a non-judgmental way, that they
have a responsibility to change or resolve the problem, and that
you expect them to do that.
When problems happen, help clarify
alternatives and consequences.
If you're willing to help in
some specific way, say so, but don't take away your child's freedom
to accept or reject that help. This strengthens their ability
to trust themselves in using independence wisely. It can also
increase their determination to keep learning about life, through
mistakes if necessary, instead of feeling overwhelmed by a sense
of helplessness or failure.
You can help by displaying the
attitudes and behaviors you'd like your kids to adopt. Remember:
Kids don't develop in a vacuum. Their ability to learn to think
and act independently, to accept responsibility for their own
lives and choices, and to persist in the face of difficulty comes
in large part from what we show them in our own lives. We can
help them learn better by being better teachers.
Filling
and killing time/having fun or adventure
Sometimes, it's hard for parents
to take these needs seriously. The time we have for ourselves
often already seems way too limited, and not exactly overrun
with fun.
But the need for emotional "highs"
-- feeling excitement and pleasure in just being alive in the
moment -- is a real need for human beings, all of us.
It's how we "re-create"
and extend ourselves. People generate natural highs through thousands
of activities, from quiet meditation to skydiving. Anything that
takes us beyond our normal boundaries, or that tests us or brings
us into greater harmony with the world or each other can produce
a "peak" emotional state.
The problem with using drugs
to achieve high states is they don't teach us much or involve
much effort beyond obtaining and taking them. On the other hand,
their effects usually are predictable and more intense than the
effects a depressed or anxious or dependent person can hope to
achieve on his or her own.
Make sure your kids understand
the limitations as well as the risks of chemicals, and support
them in following through on activities that contribute to their
sense of personal competence and their need to feel good about
being alive. You can help this along by valuing "high"
feelings, too, like the ones that come from running a 10K, participating
in family or school projects, or learning a new skill.
Structure activities that give
your kids a chance to share peak experiences with family
and friends. Avoid turning all your own or your kid's leisure
time activities into "chores" or "projects."
And remember that it's important to find occasions for joy, even
in busy or troubled times.
